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« Ireland | Main | The Cruelest Tax »
Sunday
Apr192009

Award Winner

Reprinted below in its entirety is a letter provided by my sources which was supposedly recently sent to ------------ by the Dictionary Pictorial Selection Committee.

Dear Ms. ---------:

In an effort to keep the dictionaries of the English language topical and current, we at the Dictionary Pictorial Selection Committee have recently made a major investment in time and talent to that end.  We have decided that it would be helpful to use an image of a current, or historical figure, to symbolize certain definitions.  We have recently finished an exhaustive study and we are now putting forward our recommendations to the world's English language dictionary publishers.  For example, for the word brave, we are recommending a picture of Alan Shepherd, the first American in space, be used near the definition; for the word intelligent, we are suggesting that a picture of Albert Einstein would be appropriate; for leader, a picture of Ronald Reagan, and so forth.  We know that you will be pleased to learn that you have been chosen to illustrate the word nitwit.  This is a singular honor, and we know that you and your friends will be thrilled.  As you know there are plenty of other nitwits; you were not the only candidate considered.  ---- ----, with his respect and admiration for various dictators and despots, was a strong candidate.  There are any number of other Hollywood celebrities or politicians who could have justly received this award, but at the end of the day, you were our first choice.  Let me explain why.

We decided that for a nitwit to be truly noteworthy, one must have reached and sustained a certain level of nitwitness for a significant period of time.  Furthermore, we looked for the following characteristics:

1.  A true nitwit is almost totally immersed in themselves.  They are not given to introspection, and they are convinced that they are always right.

2.  They usually have grandiose ideas regarding their own intelligence and importance.

3.  They give no thought to the ideas of others.  The very fact that they are someone else's ideas that differ from theirs renders them without merit.

4.  Nitwits do not rely on logic to present their arguments; rather they immediately resort to ridcule, personal attacks, and character assassination.  They do not enjoy debating the merits of an idea.

5.  They are quick to use the words "racist" and "bigot" to counter any political stance contrary to their own.

6.  They take particular offense to anyone who holds "traditional values."  They especially enjoy attacking and belittling those with religious or spiritual views.

7.  Most nitwits have tattoos and other body art (although all with tattoos are obviously not nitwits).

8.  Most nitwits claim expertise in areas about which they know nothing.

Ms. --------, you received out highest ranking in each of the areas mentioned above, and this honor comes with our heartiest congratulations.  Very few can point to such an honor in their lives.  We trust that you will maintain the elevated level of nitwitness you have shown in the past.  But we should warn you that if you should suddenly come to your senses and begin to display what some would call common sense (though it is quite uncommon) we would be obligated to review Mr. ----'s nitwitness, and consider replacing your picture in the dictionary.

Our represenatives will be contacting you shortly to arrange a time for our photographer to meet with you so we can have an appropriate photo for your "dictionary picture."

Have a great day,

 

Your friends at the Dictionary Pictorial Selection Committee

 

I have obviously deleted the names from this letter; you can very likely submit any number of names that would fit quite nicely.

Fly/Drive Safely

 

20 April, 2009

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